I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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