You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
