Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
