Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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