How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
