I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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