I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
