Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
