I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
