dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
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just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
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That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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