i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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