see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
