what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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