I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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