Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
