this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
