He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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