and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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