I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
