he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
