Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
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You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
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I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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