Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
