I'm sorry my penis didn't work
another moral hangover. fuck.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
