my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
