I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
