I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize