So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We need to get me chipped asap
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