just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
