My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
