I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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