Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
