My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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