so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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