I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
