Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just gift wrapped bread.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
