If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
