when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
