What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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