Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
