Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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