she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
