I wanna bring you to show and tell
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
