Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
