What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My penis needs a shock collar
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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