so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
my poor anus
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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