You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My vagina is officially offended.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
