I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just found a bag of teeth...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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