No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
