So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
