made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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