I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
