I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
