I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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