I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
