See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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