One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
