if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
