Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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